An Old English Project

When I was in Jr. High, we had a group project(let me tell you how much I hate group projects another time) in which we had to make a revision of a children's book and update it with big words and current issues. My partner and I picked Green Eggs and Ham. We didn't have much time in class, so I told her I would take it home and finish it. It was supposed to be typed, but my typewriter ribbon broke that night, so I turned it in with my own handwriting. My teacher told me that she shouldn't accept it since it wasn't typed, but she took it anyway. The next day, she pulled me aside and said that she was sorry that she had chewed me out because I was the only one in the class who had done the assignment correctly. Everyone else had to redo theirs.

I stumbled across this little gem of mine while I was sorting through things today(You would have thought I wouldn't have had to sort through so much since I did so 6 months ago, but that wasn't the case).

Anyway, here it is, for your reading pleasure:

Green Eggs and Ham(Revised)

Sam, the pretentious door-to-door salesman, meandered up to the door and knocked ceaselessly until it was opened. And old phogey answered the door and was about to slam it in Sam's face when Sam stuck his foot in the door and elucidated,"I am Sam!" The old man was wholly astonished and perturbed at Sam's impudent intrusion. Sam opened his box and thrusted a plate of green eggs and ham in his face. "Do you like green eggs and ham?" he queried.

"I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like green eggs and ham. They're full of fat and cholesterol. I'd rather eat green vegetables."

Indefatigably, Sam started running around the room with the plate. "Would you like them here or there?"

The old man responded," I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. They're not good for you Sam I Am."

Sam pulled some pamphlets out of his briefcase,"Would you like them in a condo in Beverly Hills? It even comes with your own pet mouse."

"I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham, they're not salubrious for you Sam-I-Am."

"Would you eat them in an alley in a cardboard box? Would you eat them if there was a gorgeous fox?"

"Not in a box, not with a fox, not in a house, not with a mouse. I would not eat them here or there. I would not eat them anywhere. I would not eat green eggs and ham. They are full of lipid products, Sam-I-Am."

"Would you, could you in a Porsche?"

"I would not, could not in a Porsche."

"Would you eat them in the dark, on a train, or in acid rain? Could you, would you if I gave you a bruise? Could you, would you if I took you on a cruise?"

"I would not, could not with a bruise. I will not, will not on a cruise. I will not eat them in acid rain. I will not eat them on a train. Not in the dark or in a car. I do not like them in a box. I do not like them with a fox. I will not eat them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. You cannot bribe me anywhere. I do not like them anyday, so please Sam, please just go away."

"You do not like them, but don't you see? Look! They are 95% fat free!"

In final despondency, the antiquated man replied, "Sam if you will quit dyssin' me, I will try them you will see. The old man grabbed the fork and took a bite, throroughly masticating, then yelled with delight,"Say! I like green eggs and ham! I do! I like them, Sam-I-Am!"

Sam beamed and grinned from ear to ear. Maybe his family wouldn't go hungry this year. But what Sam didn't know was that the crochety old man was tired of the door-to-door salesman disturbing him, and he had been planning revenge on the next one that came to his door. The old man reached for his. 22 calibur pistol and blew poor Sam away. The moral of this story is: if you are a door-to-door salesman, don't bother irate old men.